


Borderline

by IsaacTheGreat69



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, introspective, reflecting, the others are mentioned but this is Virgil-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 04:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsaacTheGreat69/pseuds/IsaacTheGreat69
Summary: Virgil reflects on how much things are changing. Takes place between Accepting Anxiety Part 2 and Fitting In. (Inspired by Thomas' On The Borderline





	Borderline

**Author's Note:**

> I say at one point in the fic that Virgil is a teen - this is because when I watch the videos and I think of how they act and such, Logan and Patton seem well into adulthood (late 20s, early 30s) and Roman seems like a young adult (at most, mid-20s) and Virgil comes across very much like a teen. So I'm not screwing with the timeline or anything weird, it's just.... My headcanon, I guess.

Virgil sits on his bed, the curtains closed to keep out most of the light. The fan spins slowly overhead, the soft rotation the only noise in the room. He rubs the fabric of his hoodie between his thumb and forefinger. It’s his old one, the black checkered one he’d worn for… most of his life. It’s just as much a part of him as his voice or his hair. It’s _him_ … was him. He looks at the hand-made purple-accented jacket he’s made. He could have easily just conjured it, but… this was too important, it mean to much. He had to make it count. It’s brighter, somehow conveying more comfort and acceptance than the old thing in his hands. He thinks of the first video he’d appeared in; back then, he’d come completely without consent, telling himself he was just doing his job.

_“WhAT THE HECK???”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry, was I not wanted at this exact time?”_

_“Oh, for crying out loud…”_

_“This is what I_ do _.”_

_“This is what frustrates me about anxiety… SOMETIMES. IT JUST SHOWS UP. OUT OF NOWHERE. AND RUINS Whatever peace I_ have _.”_

He wasn’t accepted. Wasn’t even liked. He told himself he didn’t need their acceptance to do his job. He put on the dark persona to get Thomas to pay attention to him, because the ends justified the means.

_“Eugh, God, I hate that guy.”_

_“Ah! Anxie-“ “’Anxiety what’re you doing here?’ Yes? This is exactly what you do every time I pop up. Let’s just skip that part and move on.”_

_“I’m no defeatist.”_

_“Stop! Stop. I know we tend to overthink a couple things.”_

_“Are you just- trying to counter everything I do?”_

_“We all know that I’m a bit-“ “Dismal.”_

And it was the little things. The way Patton would always compliment him and worry about him. _“I’m not always the bad guy.” “Aww, of course you’re not big guy.”_ How Logan enjoyed their talks and took his side sometimes – or even just took the time to _listen_ to his side. _“Well, you are wrong about a lot of things, but I don’t necessarily mind your company.”_ How Thomas stopped shouting when he appeared. _“Can I go?” “Nah, stick around.” “You… Never want me to stick around..”_ It was small things like that that caused his shell to crack. He let some of his real self show – his doubts and insecurities, not Thomas’, laughing at Patton’s jokes, taking Logan’s side.

But Roman was a steady constant too. His callous dismissal of Virgil could turn the other three away from him in seconds. _“-not without your friends, Thomas.” “Okay, enough of you.”_ He was easily forgotten, because the other three sides had a relationship – a bond – he’d never had. It wore on Virgil. Hours spent locked up in his room and listening to the others have fun and live without him had increased his doubts and insecurities. He’d told himself he wasn’t wanted, or needed, and that made the decision easy.

But then they’d come for him. He was scared to hope that they were being genuine. That they actually cared and weren’t just placating the flight risk. It was Roman who convinced him otherwise. If Roman was just trying to make sure Virgil didn’t leave, he wouldn’t have been so sincere. He could have told Virgil anything, fabricated any number of lies, but instead he did the hardest thing and validated Virgil’s place in the group.

_“You let his excitement and passion for performance take over, I think that’s as good a sign as any that you’re willing to work as a team. And that you make us better.”_

So, he trusted them. His trust was fragile, a small baby bird in his palm he presented to them with hesitation. The change was gradual, then all at once. It felt like he was suspended in that moment between when your foot left the last step and met the floor. That fleeting second where you’re not looking and feel like you’re about to fall. He was scared. Scared he’d wake up and it’d all have been a dream. Or worse, that they’d all take it back. He should just push them away before they could do the same to him. Go back to being Princey’s villain. It was safe. It was expected. They only knew Anxiety. Would they like Virgil?

Or what if they think Virgil and Anxiety are still the same? That Virgil is a villain instead of a scared teen trying to do his best? What if they _did_ see that and _wanted_ him to be Anxiety again? He doesn’t want to lie about who he is, and he doesn’t want to have to change, to become someone not even he recognizes to keep the others happy.

He strokes the fabric in his lap. He’s afraid to let go of what’s familiar, but… To go back to it, he’d be giving up everything, His family, their love and support, his peace and security. He’d be giving up his chance to help the others and Thomas, to grow along with them. In the end he knows he can’t go back, that he has to keep moving.

He puts his checkered jacket on, taking a deep breath and saying a silent goodbye. This will be his last video wearing it. He knows Thomas’ video is going to be about the new hair, so Virgil is taking this chance to change himself too. To stop being Anxiety and start being Virgil. He puts his hands in his hoodie pockets, casting a glance at the purple and black lump on his bed. He feels a soft tug in the back of his mind; Thomas is calling him. “See you soon, Virgil.” He gives a two-fingered salute to the jacket and sinks out of his room to join the others one last time as Anxiety. Next time he was here, he’d be Virgil, and that… felt good.


End file.
